Update on life? Well, I spent summer training my art skills. Had a few relationship issues. Was super optimistic. However, I won't sugar coat how abysmal my first semester of college was. My credits from cc didn't transfer by the enrollment date for classes so only 2/5 of my classes were related to my degree. Plus... I was constantly self-sabotaging. I had it in my head I could control myself, living alone. But I really couldn't. Within the first week of college I totalled my new car and lost my wallet with $300 in it after blacking out at a bar. Super cute juicy couture wallet too!!!! After those major blows to my mental, I spiralled into a cycle of self-harm, starving, partying, and isolating myself. Drug sue has also been an issue since the only people I hung out with were high 24/7.

ANYWAYS! It's a new semester and I'm in a good place so far. Just got back from my first day of Physics II, super excited for that. Later today I have a proper 3D Art class in between hang-outs. Before going on holiday I bought a guitar amp so practicing is also apart of my daily schedule now. Playing around with FL Studios (ty sailorgenki) too! Over the break I mostly partied and dicked around with new interests. I kind of want to get into film? I've been on a fantastic routine of exercising 3 times a day, getting 5-10K steps, and eating ~1,500 cals a day. I'm doing this to wean myself off unhealthy eating habits. Last semester I would eat < 500 cals one day and then binge/purge the next. I'm already seeing massive improvements to my mood and energy! The urge to cut myself has dwindled into once or twice a week and I've been clean for about a month now!

Today, I get to meet one of my online friends for the first time! So far, the only person I've met IRL has been Mya. He might not know it, but I've looked up to this guy since I was 11 and he ran a discord server I was in. He was always so untouchably cool to me. SUPER EXCIRED! Cheers to a good semester!

10:55 AM

Birthday in under an hour.

05/06/2024

11:17 PM

These are the last few minutes of being 17. Saying I'm a bit disturbed by the idea of adulthood is an underestimation.

18 is sandwiched in-between a really bad month. Past two weeks were end-of-course projects, portfolios, and college finals. This week (including today) is scattered about with AP testing, award ceremonies, and obligatory last-day of HS (8 more days!) slam-parties. So I haven't emotionally processed what tomorrows gonna look like.

I've had just about everyone I know tell me it's no big deal. But I'm stuck anticipating on this moment as a culmination of my entire childhood. I have this dirty idea that my youth encompasses part of who I am and I'm afraid to lose it. I've labelled myself the "younger sibling" archetype with certain friends. Breaking the rules is more fun when you're legally bound. It's only cool to hurt yourself when you're still figuring yourself out. Most disgustingly I hate to admit that my underage status secures me in the worst sort of value; I'f I'm worth a dime to pedophiles then I'm worthwhile at all. These thoughts I ponder.

I feel so immature. An 18 year old is too old to spend all their time on the internet. But I'm still here stressing over discord, twitter, steam drama that I wouldn't care about if I were still employed. Except now the innocence of a teenager looking for fun money loses it's merit when you're not a child anymore. This switch in attitude I'm gonna get is really bugging me. Now I'm not a messy kid with their whole life ahead of themselves, I'm a big stinking bum.

I wish I could have done more cool things young. My art hasn't really improved. My coding skills are barren. I'm not ivy league. I'm not good at video games. My band broke up. I'm so angry that my mental health got the better of me. If I hadn't been a schizophrenic shitshow for all of HS I could have maybe put out an EP or a comic. Instead I rotted in my head paranoid I wasn't worth living. So I didn't live.

But on the bright side... I kind of did do stuff. I kept painting, learned the drums, learned how to code in a handful of languages, was a top scholar, finished college early, fostered kittens, did a lottttt of drugs ... all the while keeping a job and taking care of siblings. Not to mention the development from a fat unhygenic antisocial incel into a somewhat respectable human-being. I like myself more than I did when I was little das fer tru.

Huh. IDK. Maybe I'm too negative. I blame my inability to be positive on chemical inbalances. I'm not trying to start 18 off on a bad note tho. Perhaps this is the legal freedom I need to really flourish. Or perhaps I get a job at K-Mart and call it a life. Either way my solumn outlook is tettering on an excitement I'm holding back like bad breath... Tomorrow I'm dressing up for school... Then immediately drive to college for an exam, then immediately back to HS for a recital. Not even time for a dinner! Whatever. I have this lacey cocktail dress I'm gonna sport with my thigh-high boots and (soon to be dyed) raccoon tails. Because fuck off mom and dad, my hair ACTUALLY belongs to me now! So much fun. So much joy. I'm going to clean my room now. Hello future Alex!

11:45 PM